Self-Actualizing or Self-Limiting?
I have a set of core beliefs that guide me. In both work and life. They’re the same. And for the most part, they’ve been powerfully self-actualizing.
But sometimes, self-actualizing beliefs can double as self-limiting beliefs. It can be hard to see the difference.
And when you can’t see the difference, you can make important choices from completely wrong points of view. Whether that’s toiling away at a professional challenge that just can’t be solved, a job that just isn’t right for you, or something completely different…recognizing what guides you, when it serves you, and when it doesn’t, can be life-changing.
These five beliefs have doubled as both self-actualizing and self-limiting for me.
I can do anything.
On the self-actualizing awesomeness side…It propels you. You’re unstoppable. (It might be why so many people have described me as a badass. It’d be so weird if I ascribed that to myself. But it’s fine if other people say it, right?)
On the other hand, some challenges are not solvable. At least not within the constraints beyond your control to change or remove.
In those cases, this belief can leave you toiling away at something you can’t be successful at for far longer than you should. Whether it’s a relationship that will never be better or a job that will never work, sometimes even if you can’t do anything, you can’t do this thing within these constraints. And it can be hard to accept that and move on to the thing you really can do.
Assume the best of people.
The self-actualizing awesome side of this one…It helps you relate to people in the best way possible. It helps you avoid unnecessary conflicts. It helps you bring out the best in people.
And most people are doing their best, most of the time.
But, sometimes people don’t have the best intentions. (This is where a friend of mine gets way too much joy out of reminding me on the regular that, as he says, “People are terrible.”) Sometimes people aren’t honest. Sometimes people don’t have your best interest in mind.
It’s not even that they have malice. It just is how it is. And if you always assume the best, you might miss this when it’s important to see it.
Hard work is (always) necessary.
The grandest achievements usually take hard work. And the belief you can do anything. And assuming the best, at least of most people most of the time. And all of that, of course, is incredibly self-actualizing.
But when you believe hard work is always necessary, you can make everything hard. You can ignore the things that come easily to you. You can devalue accomplishments that weren’t that hard for you to achieve.
Not everything is hard all the time. Not everything that’s worth doing has to be hard, or hard for you.
I have to do it myself.
Being self-sufficient is awesome. But believing you have to do everything yourself all the time is a recipe for spinning in circles forever.
Pretty much everything requires other people.
If you’re searching for a job, why would you not take help from your network? A well-placed recommendation or introduction can open the doors you want to walk through. It’ll still be you taking each step.
In almost any endeavor, you enlist other people to get things done. You’re good at what you’re good at, they’re good at what they’re good at. If you insist on doing every home improvement project yourself...well, if you’re me, then no home improvements will ever happen because that’s not a thing that I do. (Although if you come to my house, I will insist you marvel at the doorbell I installed myself.) I might not be ready to take on a bathroom build, but I’m super good at planning projects and hiring the right people.
When I was consulting, I had this idea that working by myself meant doing everything myself. Of course it doesn’t. I spent so much time on things that weren’t really building value for me as a professional, and weren’t really what my clients hired me for. Things that I could’ve pulled in a virtual assistant to do. I don’t really think that held me back. But it drove me close to burnout so many times.
I'm not where I should be.
Sometimes, this is just whiney bs. You’re frustrated with how your day went or how a presentation was received or whatever else, and you spiral out to questioning everything.
But sometimes, it’s that still, small voice inside of you that’s trying to tell you something important. If you ignore it, you’ll stay where you shouldn’t be. But when you’re ready to hear it, you’ll listen. And act.